This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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