I didn't shave. On purpose
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
