I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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