I cannot find my penis.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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