you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
