thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
