She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
