Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
