i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
