Sry I called you an 8
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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