I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
