There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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