ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
