I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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