The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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