Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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