....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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