is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
