Only a mothe r could love this liver
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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