I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im six kinds of drunk right now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
