if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
