My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
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I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
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jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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