I skipped work to stalk him.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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