I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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