i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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