i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
