Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
