Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
