Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
