i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
