Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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