Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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