You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
