The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
