12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
