my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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