what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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