Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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