I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
