WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
