His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
