she's into porn, im staying here tonight
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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