I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm passing your future prison.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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