You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
