Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
