I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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