so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
