Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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