I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
