I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
