Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen