pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.