he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
