i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Someone signed my nipple.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
