Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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