I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
