I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
