I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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