Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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